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Would you let me explain myself?
I don’t even know if I can.
But I think you deserve an explanation on several things.
I am in the process of building this future that I gave up a lot for. I worked so hard to get where I am now, but every day I wonder if I gave up the chance to be with you. If I should have gone to school with you and just tried hard for you. I wonder if I lost the love of my life. That’s who you were to me. But we don’t know each other anymore.
I know you think I don’t make choices, and I agree. I’m a coward. But that doesn’t mean my refusal to make that choice had no repercussions. The choice to attempt to move on is a choice that is a burden on me every day.
I’m working on myself. I’m not mature. I’m in no state to come to you and tell you that I’ve changed or that I even know what I’m doing in life.
But if I could tell you anything right now?
I’m proud of you. I’m endlessly fucking proud of you and that I got to love you. I do not know the future. But I gambled and went Alabama to maybe end up in USMA, and I got it. I gambled and let go of someone who meant the world to me, someone who I wish I could be with right fucking now but there is no way I could make it work right now. I can’t be with you right now and I’m sorry if you don’t understand. I’m just in a place in life where you and I wouldn’t work out. I threw whatever relationship we had after our last break up into the waves of time and now I sit and work for my future that I hope you exist somewhere in. I never stop hoping that there is a God who heard me pray that it’d wash up on the shores of some distant future where we’d both be in a good place. And we just don’t know if the other will wait.
I’ll leave you with this:
Remember that time after school you took me into the art room and tried to show me wheel throwing? You sat me on a stool and had me press the pedal and stood behind me with your arms around me and hands over mine trying to help my clumsy hands make art from clay. But we were alone and talking quietly. I kind of loved when you taught me things or just had your little facts and puns. It was quiet and you were kind and soft and loving in ways that not many people understood. You were intellectual and charming and sweet and I fell in love with you. Maybe you’ve changed, but this is still how I believe you are. I could never ask you to wait for me. But I have not forgotten you.